lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
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ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
getting old is fun
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.