*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
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When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I get distracted pretty eas
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds