I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
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Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.