*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
You Might Also Like
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.