Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
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Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.