There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
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Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard