Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
you have three unread messages
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.