Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
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DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
no cat here
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
He wanted to make sure😂
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!