its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
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Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
so weird how every mom was born today
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs