When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
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Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
i did the math
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Everything reminds me of my ex
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there