When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Every haunted house movie:
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
12. I think about this all the damn time
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