Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
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[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I believe the plural is “milves.”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?