Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
The Punning Dead.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner