[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Chicken bread
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying