In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars