Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
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“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
who wore it better?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad