OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
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A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them