Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
But is it really??
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.