When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
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I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!