I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
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At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Bringing home a sharpie
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.