My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
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You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
WHO DID THIS?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞