Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.