Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
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Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
The news in a nutshell.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter