This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
So the ex texted me
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.