Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.