My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
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COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
lol
my professor scared me for a second
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please