someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
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Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot