*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
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This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
This checks out
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Guy who likes music
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.