Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
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[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
sensitive skin
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..