One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
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LMAO
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.