Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
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not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.