You Might Also Like
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Time heals everything 🙂
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?