online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
You Might Also Like
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.