Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Breaking news:
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people