Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
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dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
never deleting this app.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.