INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
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My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways