I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.