Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up