Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
You Might Also Like
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
No regrets in 2018
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner