Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
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I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Yup.