*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
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After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*