Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
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Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds