Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Cake safety first. Always.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.