I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
You Might Also Like
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.