PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!