My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
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Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?