Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀