Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
How did we not see this back then?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”