Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
You Might Also Like
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.