Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
why isn’t he texting back
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
im 7 sauces long
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.