Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
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I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?